Love is… looking at your bald, lopsided, heavily sweating partner and still thinking, “Phwoar!”
That’s what these nine women who are living with breast cancer have discovered after feeling mutilated by surgeries, broken by chemotherapy and undeserving of love.
One in seven women in the UK will develop breast cancer in their lifetime. But losing a breast or having scars where nipples used to be doesn’t mean an end to looking sexy. These brave friends relished the opportunity to dress up in Valentine’s Day red lingerie, as they came together to celebrate the launch of a groundbreaking podcast, Sex And The Titty.
It was a joyful day full of laughter and tears (often mine), and after being flashed my third tattooed nipple of the day, I knew I was among a group of warriors – Jackie, Diana, Claire, Debbie, Elaine, Nicola and Antonia who are living with cancer, and Heather and Dawn, who have been told their cancer is terminal after their symptoms were missed.
They all generously shared their stories of how breast cancer had robbed them of their femininity and left them feeling violated. But Heather, who chose not to have reconstruction after her double mastectomy, proves you don’t need breasts to look incredible.
She says: “Sex is the elephant in the room when you have cancer. All I’ve got is scars and no nipples, but I didn’t want to be like Mrs Doubtfire with fake boobs. “My husband built my confidence and told me, ‘You look better now with no boobs and you’ve got a great athletic figure’.”
In the four-part podcast, the ladies, who are members of the BooBee community, break the taboo of talking about how cancer affects sex lives with cancer, their frustration at the lack of official NHS guidance, and reveal why it’s dangerous to have sex on chemo and how treatment is like the “menopause on steroids”.
It’s all the work of Queen Bee herself, Margo Cornish MBE, who created BooBee as a platform for women with breast cancer to share vital information and support others. She is especially proud that the city’s airport provides pink-wrapped BooBee buses. “We send them out to spread the breast cancer awareness message, especially to areas with health inequalities,” says Margo, 62.
Apart from embarrassed and busy medical professionals telling them to use condoms while having sex or their bodily fluids could burn their partner – and that oral sex was banned – the ladies were not warned by the NHS about how sex would become painful for women, plunged into menopause by their treatment.
“If you’re lucky you may get a leaflet about your sex life while having treatment, but I’ve never been given anything,” reveals Dawn Marie Nicholls, who has secondary cancer after a lump in her armpit was ignored by doctors.
“I haven’t lost my hair – yet I’m more advanced than all these beautiful ladies today. My oncologist said I have two to five years. It’s taken me two years to let go of my anger, but being in my underwear with all the other ladies makes me feel proud of where I’ve got to today.”
No one here began breast cancer treatment fully understanding the toll it would take on their bodies, their relationships and their families.
“My husband can’t talk about sex at the best of times,” laughs Jackie. “We separated because he couldn’t cope and I was mourning the loss of my previous self, but it just needed relighting. Happily we got back together.”
Debbie and Nicola are single. Having cancer hasn’t made dating any easier, but Nicola felt lucky to be single during her treatment, saying: “I didn’t have to think about anyone else’s emotions and feelings.”
Mum-of-two Debbie adds: “I was dating someone when I was diagnosed, but I couldn’t handle his problems on top of mine, so we finished. But I wasn’t told by the hospital if I had sex while on chemo I could have burned my partner’s private parts.
“I’ve started dating again now. But it’s a minefield – as soon as you mention the C word, it puts potential partners off.”
The women all agree there’s a lack of NHS guidance on intimacy during treatment. “At my first chemo, a young nurse pushed a leaflet across the table. She didn’t want to say the word sex, or think about me getting it on,” says Diana. “It’s that whole British embarrassment about sex, and cancer just adds another layer to it!”
Diana says breast cancer and the treatment was an attack on everything about being a woman. “I lost my breast, every single hair on my body, fingernails, toenails and my libido. John Travolta could have walked stark naked into my bedroom and it wouldn’t have done anything for me.”
Her self confidence hit rock bottom. “I just thought, why would my husband want to have sex with a bald, lopsided woman? But of course he did. An important part of this whole process is that you learn just what love is.”
Although Claire and her husband recently celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, she reveals they no longer enjoy the same intimacy. “During chemo, the nurses once asked, “Are you using contraception?’ But I told them, ‘No – we’re definitely not doing anything like that’. We kiss and cuddle, but physically it’s been very painful to have sex as I have vaginal dystrophy, since I had a hysterectomy before breast cancer.”
Mum-of-two Antonia says chemo stripped her of all femininity. “Hair gone, eyelashes gone, breasts gone. Then to top it off, libido went too, and I started sweating in the middle of the night. Sex was painful and my husband was scared to death of coming near me because he could see the pain in my eyes.”
Added to feeling tender are hot flushes and night sweats, caused by the treatment, and lack of HRT for the menopause. “Hot flushes are even worse when you’re wearing a wig or headscarf!” adds Nicola, who experienced a medically-induced menopause. “I felt I aged much quicker, lost muscle tone, and have thinning hair.”
Dawn likens her life-prolonging treatment to the “menopause on steroids”. “The night sweats are terrible and have affected intimacy. As soon as my husband holds me close, I sweat profusely.”
Yet these brave women are happy to show off their implants and 3D-effect tattooed nipples. Describing herself as a “big busted girl”, Elaine admits she struggled with having a mastectomy. “I worried about losing my boobs as a woman. I opted for a lumpectomy, and I’ve had my nipple tattooed, which made me feel more feminine again.”
Cancer brought these women together and their friendship gives them strength in numbers, and they are facing the future together. “I’m more resilient, determined, and defiant now and I live for the moment,” says Antonia.
“My husband Stephen calls me a superwoman,” says Elaine. “I grasp life with both hands now that I’ve had cancer twice.”
“I call cancer my sleeping beauty but one day it will start to wake up,” says Dawn. “I live in pain 24 hours a day but I choose to live positively. I don’t want to die – I want to see my grandchildren.”
If anyone is prepared for a fight, it is the formidable Heather. “I’m on a mission to beat it,” she says. “But I’m also not scared to die. I’m just going back to my late mum and dad – and George Michael!”
And Jackie has a warning for all women. “What we’ve been through shows that no woman should ignore going for a routine mammogram. But we’re showing people that you may look different, but you can still be a woman.”
• Sex And The Titty podcast goes live on February 14, boobee.co.uk/sex-and-the-titty
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